I was always a different child in a little town where everyone seemed to know each other. Head in the clouds and kind to everyone but quiet. I could cry quite easily. Especially music made me feel. I remember the times when people from my class told me to do stupid things and laughed when I complied because I couldn’t think anyone would do such a thing as bully other people. I usually got average grades and did not have a drive to be better because going to school was a struggle most days. There were times I was so sad and confused I couldn’t go to school and my mother let me stay home. No one wanted to do group work with me. Especially in EP I was the last one chosen when teams were made. Name calling was also hurtful. I did not know some of the names they threw at me, but most made me sad. I just didn’t have a backbone at the time. I have long hair that I always kept open to hide myself behind it. I had one ”friend” but she could stab me in the back the next day. Still I wanted to be with her as much as possible.
There was one time I went to see my school’s curator who helps children with studying problems. I told her I had been bullied my whole school life but she just said “You are not the only one.” Nothing else. But I have been thinking that if she had introduced me to even one of the other bullied children my life would have been so different. Or maybe not. And I love myself right now!
After school I returned home where I lived with my parents and older sister. Reading my little town library’s books was my favorite thing. “Lord of the rings” is my all time favorite book. I knew really young I wanted to become a librarian when I grew up. I read lots of comics and learnt to draw from them. I had ballet classes but even there no one wanted to be my friend. Small town.
First step towards the right direction I took in my seventh school year’s cooking class. My usual bullies were playing with words and blaming me for things happening in class. I have had enough and jumped up from my chair. I yelled for them to shut up and stop blaming me. They went quiet fast. Everyone stared at me with open eyes. After class I went to talk to the teacher and wanted to know if there was some kind of punishment for disturbing the class. She looked me in the eyes and said ”Absolutely not. You did well.”
I got my first real friends when I was 14-years-old, I think. I moved to a new school in the same town. New school meant completely new people and one of them wanted to get to know me. I’m still friends with her. We were at a rave couple of weeks ago. She had another friend who did not like me first but warned up to me afterwards. I’m godmother to two of her children now.
The biggest chance came when my family moved to a big city. New place and new people were a given. It was also an Art’s School so I got to shine a bit with my drawing skills. BUT like destiny somehow three People from my last class had moved there too. Luckily my new class had four amazing girls and one boy who wanted to be my friends. I got on really well especially with the boy. Couple years after I noticed he might have been a bit smitten with me, but I just saw him as a friend. I had never wanted to be a girlfriend to anyone.
New school, friends and city gave me so much more self-confidence. My grades improved and I started to keep my hair tied in a ponytail. No need for curtains anymore. Even EP was fun and I was happy to go to school most days. Part of me was still on the look out for people who might make fun of me, but now I knew what to expect.
I graduated high school and went to study Information (that gives you competence to work in libraries). First time living by myself. I got really good grades and was even more confident. My hard work was rewarded right after I graduated by getting my first library job and I’m still working at the same place. I work with children and love telling them stories. I also keep a look out for bullying and jump right in if I see something.
I got into 1D fandom same year I got my library job. I actually have to thank Ed and I See Fire for that. I checked him out on social media and naturally came across One Direction as well and I wanted to know more about them. This big 1 D family has given me so much. I like taking part in the projects and charities the fandom does. I also learnt lots about myself. Rainbow Direction gave me a nudge to LGBT world. I finally got the answer for why I never felt sexual desire towards other people. I’m asexual. So many things made sense. I felt really happy to be part of OTRAHelsinki and Helsinki Pride on the same day. Still my favorite day. That was also the day I told my sister I was asexual and she was so happy for me. My sister is sorry for not being there for me when I was bullied. We are really close now.
The newest surprise about me was last year when I noticed I’m a highly sensitive person. My sensitivity and fear of certain things make sense now. I’m still getting a hang of myself but I’m really proud of myself for coming this far.
I will end this article by saying couple of things to those having hard time. Please never think there is something wrong with you. You are lovely just as you are. Don’t let what others say make you think less of yourself. They are probably jealous. Do things you like to do. If you need help from other people other than your family or friends there are people out there who would love to help you. I am one of these people. There are also online resources and accounts like @1DFABNDA that are campaigning against bullying and can help you.
A Charitable Direction 